Ask a Little Blind Girl, Part 3

Old woman at desk, 1967 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t done an installment of Ask a Little Blind Girl lately, so I thought I would share a few more of the questions that my anxious public keeps begging me to address, or at least answer a few questions that random curious people who probably have no idea I keep a blog have asked me.  All right, I made up the questions.  Like Dear Abby never made up a question or two.  There can’t be that many clueless people in the world.  Regardless:  allow me to present the latest contribution to the blogosphere’s only (known) advice column from a Little Blind Girl:

1.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  If you can’t see the television and you have trouble seeing the computer screen when you go online, what do you do to pass the time?

–TV Addict in Tennessee

Dear TV Addict in Tennessee:  It’s hard to believe these days, but there was a time when people had neither television nor the internet to entertain them.  Of course, in those days, everyone was in the same boat and would meet up in their town halls to go buggy riding together, whereas today, if you’re not online, you’re out in the cold.

If, because of vision impairment, religious or ideological beliefs, or a lack of connectivity, you find yourself cut off from the online community and without a television to stare at for hours, there are still things you can do.  I like to pick a bar I’ve never been in before, take in a board game, and see how many people I can talk into playing with me.  If you’ve never had an evening of Yahtzee with a crowd of inebriated strangers, believe me, you haven’t lived.  Clue and Trivial Pursuit also work well, but take the benefit of my experience and stay away from Twister.  Someone falls on someone else the wrong way when beer is involved and things get ugly fast.

I realize that this won’t work as well for those whose religious and/or ideological beliefs also prevent them from drinking alcohol.  I don’t know what to tell you about that, except maybe to find another advice column.

2.  Dear Little Blind Girl:  I’m visually impaired and trying to navigate the tricky territory of the dating scene.  Do you have any advice to give me?

– Squinting in Savannah

Dear Squinting in Savannah:  That is an excellent question.  Being something of a dating pro myself, I would be happy to pass along my wisdom to you.

• Rule 1:  Never be late for a date.  Rude for the blind, rude for the sighted, rude for everyone.
• Rule 2:  Be open to the experience.  Dating is nerve-wracking and exhilarating and difficult for both parties involved, even when both parties are really trying.  If you’re not into it, say no.  If you say yes, go into the date with high hopes, low expectations, and a can of pepper spray, just in case.
• Rule 3:  Don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu on the first date.  That’s just tacky.

Notice a pattern?  Dating for the blind is pretty much like dating for anyone else.  That said, I’d avoid places with lots of stairs until you’re more comfortable clutching at your date’s arm.  Also, avoid movies with subtitles.  And mimes.  And complicated meals that involve a lot of cutting meat around bones.  There are few things more embarrassing than having to ask your date to cut up your meat.

Dear Little Blind Girl:  Be honest.  What would you do if Johnny Depp ever commented on your blog?

–Depp Fan in Dakota

English: American actor Johnny Depp The Tourist premiere in Tokyo, Japan 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear Depp Fan in Dakota:  I sincerely doubt that I will ever know for sure, but I do have a policy of trying to respond to every comment on this blog, so I’d have to say something in reply.  I’d like to think my response would be witty, charming, insightful, and endearing.  However, having known myself practically since my birth, I think it’s more likely that I’d respond with something along the lines of “Oh my God!  Are you him?  Are you really him?  Oh my God!  Wow, you’re even cuter in your comment than you are on screen!”, probably followed with a string of inappropriate emoticons.  This would be even more embarrassing given that his comment would probably be something like, “If you don’t stop sending me marriage proposals, I will be forced to take legal action.”  But hey, live in the moment, right?

As always, feel free to leave your burning questions in the comments section, and I will address them in our next installment.  Until then, au revoir–and, Johnny?  Anytime, sweetie.  I’m just saying.

How to tell who’s winning the dating game

As many of my regular readers know, I’ve been out on a fair few dates.  Regular readers will also know that I have an unusual approach to dating.  My motto is, make every date an adventure.  It’s hard to tell how a dating adventure is going, so while getting bored waiting for various dates to pick me up, or in the back of my head while making small talk, I came up with a points system to keep track of how things are going.  In the spirit of pooling resources, I thought I would share this system with you and ask for your suggestions.  I’ve broken this down into relationship phases, for ease of perusal:

Asking someone out

• While sober:  +10 points
• While drunk:  -15 points
• Face to face:  +15 points
• Over the phone:  +5 points
• Via text message:  0 points
• On five minutes notice:  -15 points
• Through poetry:  +25 points, even if it’s bad

Getting to first date location

• Person who did the asking picks up:  +10 points
• Person who was asked picks up:  -5 points, unless good reason
• Meet at location:  0 points
• Bringing flowers:  +10 points
• Bringing flowers with vase:  +20 points
• Overly romantic setting requiring heels:  0 points
• Casual setting allowing flats:  +5 points
• Unusual setting (awesome):  +25 points
• Unusual setting (creepy):  -15 points

First Date

• Telling date he/she looks nice:  +10 points
• Not commenting on how late the other person was:  +5 points
• Not being late in the first place:  +15 points
• Ordering for the other person:  -20 points (I hate this!)
• Asking the other person how his/her day was:  0 points
• Asking the other person how his/her day was and actually listening:  +15 points
• Discussing politics:  -5 points
• Discussing religion:  -15 points
• Discussing ex:  -30 points
• Getting so engrossed in other person that you don’t notice the restaurant is closing:  +30 points
• Tipping badly:  -20 points
• Walking date safely to car/door:  +15 points

Post-date communication

• Follow-up phone call/email/text within 1 day:  +10 points
• Within two days:  +5 points
• Within three days:  0 points
• No contact until a week has gone by:  -10 points
• More than five calls/emails/texts within 24 hours:  -5 points
• Sending inappropriate pictures with suggestive captions after first date:  -50 points
• Suggesting second date:  +15 points
• Suggesting second date, then going incommunicado for three days:  -15 points
• Using words “buddy”, “pal” or “friend” in post-date communication:  just give up

This doesn’t include second date activity or anything after, since a) this isn’t that kind of blog, and b) I rarely get to that stage.  Those of you who want to use this system should remember, as always, that no matter what the numerical result is, you have to take into account that certain inexplicable something that can’t be quantified.  I call it the Johnny Depp factor.  Feel free to rename it however suits you!

So what do you think?  Additions?  Corrections?  Suggestions?  Recriminations?  Does anyone want to do a follow-up for second dates and beyond?

With this LBG, I thee wed

Engagement Ring (Photo credit: Lucas_James)

A friend of mine is getting married.  Yay!  And you know her, if you read the blog closely, but I’m not allowed to announce it formally yet.  Cue the crying, hugging, dancing around, promising we’ll always be friends even after she’s got a live-in boy, etc.  Then comes the important discussion:

Me:  What are you thinking as far as the ceremony?

Friend:  I’m kind of torn.  Courthouse is very tempting, but my family would be really hurt if they couldn’t participate in a traditional wedding.

Me:  Courthouse all the way, baby.  Wham, bam, thank you, your honor!

Friend:  But the wedding dress!

Me:  That you wear once!

Friend:  And the reception!

Me:  That lasts for one evening and costs more than your honeymoon!

Friend:  And the presents!

Me:  Oh, yeah, the presents are pretty sweet.

Friend:  But if I had a wedding, I’d have to get my makeup done.

Me:  I can do your makeup!

Friend:  I’d have to wear heels.  I hate heels.

Me:  Ballet flats.

Friend:  I don’t have a preacher.

Me:  Internet Church of the Spaghetti God.

Friend:  Wait.  Which one of us wants a wedding?

Me:  I can’t help it.  I always have to have the last word.

Friend:  I can see it now:  ”Do you, [friend's name omitted] take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”  ”I do.”  And do you, [Hot Fiance's name omitted], take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  ”I do.”  ”And do you, Little Blind Girl, give your blessing to the union of this man and this woman?”  ”I do.”  And only then will we be legally married!

Me:  Better believe it!

You think that’s bad, just wait until you read the yet-to-be-written post about the Little Blind Girl and the Open-Bar Reception!

Do first dates count as near-death experiences?

Image via Wikipedia

Ok, since a decision has been made on my behalf that I should start dating again, which I really think I should have had a say in, but whatever, I want to lay down some ground rules.  Dating should be fun, it should be an adventure, it should not be a nerve-wracking, ego-wrecking form of torture akin to waterboarding.  Unless you’re into that.  Which I’m not.  So I’m setting up some ground rules to try to keep the process enjoyable:

1.  Getting Ready

For me, the date starts long before either you pick me up or we meet at whatever location.  I want to Get Ready.  Guys, I realize you don’t understand the process of Getting Ready, but it’s usually the best part of the date, so just let me have this one.  I like to spend a couple of hours in the bathroom cleansing, exfoliating, maybe putting on a nice calming mask, and then piling on about a pound of makeup and hair product so that I can look exactly like I usually do, but better.  I like to fake the I Eat Right And Take Care Of Myself look, because it’s never going to happen naturally.  I put on music, light candles, consult makeup books, ponder outfits…I’m a girl.  Let me do this and we’ll start out already having a great date.

2.  Too Much Information

I guess it’s good to have some warning, but I don’t really need to know about all your health issues on the first date.  Or the second.  I mean, if you’re dying of cancer, go ahead and tell me that.  That one’s important.  But if you’ve had a life-long battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, while that is certainly not any fun at all, I don’t necessarily need to hear about it at the restaurant, by candlelight, as we’ve just finished introducing ourselves.  That’s really more of a We’re In A Relationship Now kind of conversation, not a I Haven’t Yet Gotten Into Her Pants kind of conversation.  Think to yourself:  ”If I were her and I had just told me this, would I be more or less likely to sleep with me?”  If the answer is more likely, go for it.  If it’s less, hold off until you cross the finish line.  Words to live by.

3.  Facebook Isn’t For First Dates

Please, please don’t friend request me right before or after our first date.  I want to be able to post about how I’m getting ready (see #1 above) or about how the date went and about how I rate you as a potential boyfriend.  I don’t want you to see that yet.  That’s the girl equivalent of peeing with the bathroom door open–which is another thing I don’t understand, but I’ll save that for a different post.  Also, things might not work out.  If you’re a jerk to me, I want to be able to post on Facebook about how awful you are and how glad I am we’re not together.  If you’re not a jerk to me and it still doesn’t work out, I don’t want to stare at your picture when it randomly pops up on my screen and start sobbing because you’ve ripped my little blind heart to pieces.  Then there’s the awkward phase where I know things aren’t working out but you don’t yet, or vice versa, and that just makes for a crap ton of awkward.  Just wait until we both know we’re on to something.

Ah, dating.  When else can a girl dress like a hooker and demand to be treated like a lady?  This should be fun!  It should be an action movie, a thriller, with chase sequences and fight scenes and maybe some explosions.  I’ve noticed there aren’t many of these things in most of the romantic comedies I’ve watched, but then, I’ve always taken a slightly different approach to romance.  Put your affairs in order, slip on a bullet-proof vest, and let’s go on a date!

Dating disasters, revisited

I was out on the town not too long ago, which for me usually means something like “I think I’ll swing by the bookstore on my way back from picking up light bulbs,” when I ran into an attractive young man.  I had this nagging feeling that I knew him from somewhere, but I didn’t want to admit my ignorance, so I just cast flirtatious looks while racking my brain.  Finally I had to admit defeat, and I said, “Forgive me, you seem familiar.  Have we met?”  There was an especially awkward pause, and then he said, “We used to date.”

There’s really no coming back from that one.  I made some polite excuse and extricated myself as quickly as I could.  I swear, I’m starting a chart of Guys I Have Dated and carrying it around for quick reference on future occasions.  It’ll have categories like “Pretended to like him but never called him back,”  ”Mommy Issues,” and “Psycho Ex-Girlfriend”.  In fact, I may patent the idea and start marketing it.  I can make an iphone app where you can upload photographs of guys and list when you went out, where you went, and why it didn’t work out.  I’ll be the savior of perennial singletons the world wide.

I feel like a total drip.  Man, I wish I could remember why it didn’t work out with that guy.  Probably because I couldn’t remember we were dating.

(Image via Wikipedia Commons)

Ask A Little Blind Girl

Image via Wikipedia

Every so often, I’ll get people who ask me questions about what they should do in certain situations.  Why they think I’ll know is a question I’ve never gotten around to asking, because anyone who knows me knows that I’ll take any excuse to talk about anything at all, whether or not I know anything about it.  To that end, I’m launching what I hope will become a regular feature, Ask A Little Blind Girl.  Leave your question in the comments section of any post, and I’ll answer it in a future entry.  I’m starting out with some of the most common:

Dear Little Blind Girl:  I have the worst memory for faces.  Do you have any tips on how to have a conversation with someone who obviously recognizes you when you have no idea who they are?

–Clear Vision But Hazy Memory

Dear CVBHM:  I have this problem all the time, not because I can’t remember their faces, but because I can’t see them in the first place.  Over time, I’ll learn to recognize voices and other indicators, but in the meantime I’ve learned a few tips for carrying on a conversation with an apparantly close friend you can’t remember at all.

First, remember that people love to talk about themselves.  We so rarely get the chance to go on and on about ourselves that a simple “How are things going for you?” will get the person started on a long and hopefully rambling response that will give you more clues about who they are and, with luck, how they know you.

If you still haven’t placed the person by the time you’re called upon for a response, take the last thing the person said, reword it, and agree with it.  ”That’s so true, a warm spell does always follow a cold snap.”  This will keep things going without actually requiring any substantive input from you.  Phrases like, “Tell me more about that,” and “I never knew that–how interesting” can keep the conversation going for a long time.

If they ask you about yourself, try to pick up on the phrasing of the question for clues on the connection you supposedly have.  ”How is the meth lab disposal business going?” indicates that the person knows you through work.  ”Did your nephews survive the separation surgery?” shows that the person knows you through your family.  If all else fails, just ask them what was going on the last time the two of you talked.  ”Gosh, I’m not sure, were you around for the quadruple bypass?”  I’ve had successful lengthy conversations with people I still can’t place, and I’ve developed a reputation as a witty conversationalist to boot.

No matter what, if you say it with a smile, you’ll probably be fine.

Dear Little Blind Girl:  I’m interested in asking a member of the sex to which I’m attracted on a date.  Problem is, this person can’t see very well.  What should I do to make him/her/them more comfortable?  Does this mean they won’t notice if I don’t wear a tie/pantyhose/uncomfortable shoes?

–Short-Sighted Would-Be Suitor

Dear SSWBS:  First of all, it’s always a positive step that you’ve asked.  One of the best things you can do is simply be aware of the situation and pay attention.  If your date has bad vision and is about to walk into a glass door, you’ll score major points by heading off a major injury.  Don’t assume your blind date knows there are steps coming up if she’s actually blind.  Among other things, doing so will put a quick end to the date, and to any chance of future dates, especially if it’s a lengthy set of stairs.

I recommend not taking a date with vision problems on the traditional dinner and a movie.  That translates to dinner and a migraine, which means that you will forever be associated in your date’s mind with a headache–not something that’s going to play well for you later on down the line.  Try an outdoor concert or a wine tasting.  If you insist on a movie, art gallery, or other visually oriented date activity, be prepared to provide two to three hours of descriptive analysis mixed with insightful commentary and stand-up comedy.  I recommend the outdoor concert; it’s much less work.

Also, your date will know if you don’t put effort into your appearance.  That uncomfortable, stilted speech that you find in the beginning of a relationship comes from a tie you’re not used to wearing, heels that are a little higher than you’re used to, and so on.  It’s not fun, but it shows you care, and if you’re wearing your pajamas to a dinner date, your date will be able to tell even if he or she can’t see it, I promise you.

Always remember, just because your date is blind doesn’t mean all his or her senses are on the fritz:  flowers still smell pretty, chocolates still taste wonderful, wine still gets us drunk.  Happy hunting!  Er, dating.

Dear Little Blind Girl:  If you can’t see, how come you think Johnny Depp is hot?

–Skeptical In Schenectady

Dear SIS:  There is a hotness that transcends the merely visual.  It emanates from his being.  It is the aura of an aura, the glow of greatness, the sense that this person has been kissed by the gods.  Also, when I was younger and I could see, I fell instantly in love and then was blinded by his glory so that no rival could ever take his place.  My love for Johnny Depp is true and eternal.  Mock it at your peril.

How to break up with a potential boyfriend

Image via Wikipedia

The Potential Boyfriend, or PBF as I’ve been calling him, is taking a job in another city.  Why would he be starting to date someone when he knows he’s looking for work elsewhere?  Well, that’s another post for another blog.  Here’s how it went down:

Potential Boyfriend: I’m taking another job.

Little Blind Girl:  Really?  That’s great!  Isn’t it?  (Thinks:  Really?  That’s great!  Isn’t it?  Wait, he’s not taking a job in the porn industry or something, is he?)

PBF:  It’s a big promotion, supervising a major project.

LBG:  Oh, wow, that’s awesome!  That’s what you’ve been looking for, right?  (Thinks:  Oh, thank God, not porn.)

PBF:  It’s in a different city.

LBG:  Oh.  Oh, okay.  Um, how far away? (Thinks:  It can’t be too far away.  He just moved here, he doesn’t want to move again so quickly.)

PBF:  It’s pretty far away.  I’m going to have to move.

LBG:  Oh.  Man, that sucks.  (Thinks:  Crap.  Crap crap crap.  Why couldn’t it have been porn?  I bet there are loads of local porn jobs.)

PBF:  I know this isn’t fair on you, but I really like you.  I didn’t know if you wanted to maybe try something long distance?

LBG:  Long distance?  Like, talk during the week and see each other on weekends?  (Thinks:  Actually, that sounds really good.  I never feel up to being a good girlfriend after I’ve been working all day.  Could be nice.)

PBF:  Um, actually, it would be more like talk on the phone and see each other maybe once a month.

LBG:  Once a month?  (Thinks:  Sh*t!)

PBF:  Yeah, I’m pretty sure I could swing once a month.

LBG:  You’re pretty sure about maybe once a month?  (Thinks:  I could make it work!  Long distance relationships are totally possible!  We’ve got such a great connection.  It’s all about connecting on an emotional level, right?  I mean, I talk with my friends on the phone all the time and it’s great!  Of course, there are things I want to do with PBF that I don’t want to do with my friends…at least, not most of them…)

PBF:  And we could talk online or on the phone all the time.  I’m not sure what hours I’ll be working, probably pretty crazy at first, but you keep your phone with you all the time, right?

LBG:  Yeah… (Thinks:  Seriously?  You want me to wait by the phone all day every day just in case you call, which you might not, and then when you do all you’ll say is “I’m so tired, I’ve had such a long day, I just wanted to say hello before I crashed.  Good night”?)

PBF:  And you could come and stay with me every so often.  Just take a week every couple of months or something.

LBG:  Maybe.  (Thinks:  You know I have a job, right?  Actually a pretty good one, and I work really hard at it and can’t just leave it for days at a time?)

PBF:  So what do you think?

LBG:  (Thinks:  God, he’s cute.   I really, really like him, even though he’s kind of ticking me off at the moment.  How often do you find someone who’s cute and smart and funny all at the same time?  Long distance could totally work!)  I just don’t think long distance ever really works, even when you haven’t just started dating.  (Thinks:  D*mmit!)

PBF:  Yeah, I know, I just thought I’d ask.

LBG:  But we can still talk on the phone and online.  You know, as friends. (Thinks:  Thanks a lot, Gloria Steinem.  I’m sure you’ll be a great comfort to me when I’m curled up at home alone for the third week in a row, eating ice cream and watching movies.)

PBF:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.

LBG:  Why not?  (Thinks:  Oh, my God, he hates me, he was going to break up with me anyway, he’s just too nice to want to hurt my feelings…)

PBF:  Because I want to do things with you that I don’t want to do with my friends.

LBG:  (Thinks:  Oh, that’s just not fair.)  Oh, that’s just not fair.

PBF:  Yeah, I know.  Sometimes life sucks.

LBG:  Yeah. (Thinks:  Yes, yes it does.)

Image via Wikipedia

So much for how it actually went down.  This is how I like to comfort myself by thinking it went for him:

Really Hot Guy: I’m taking another job.  (Thinks:  God, she’s hot.)

Potential Girl Friend:  Really?  That’s great!  Isn’t it?

RHG:  It’s a big promotion, supervising a major project. (Thinks:  She’s totally going to freak out when she finds out I’m moving away.)

PGF:  Oh, wow, that’s awesome!  That’s what you’ve been looking for, right?

RHG:  It’s in a different city.  (Thinks:  She’s fantastic.  If only I could take her with me.  But she’s such a brilliant, independent, fantastic woman that she’d never just up and leave for a guy, especially not one who so clearly doesn’t deserve such an amazing woman.)

[I told you, this is how it goes in my head.  Just go with it!]

PGF:  Oh.  Oh, okay.  Um, how far away?

RHG:  It’s pretty far away.  I’m going to have to move.  (Thinks:  Here it comes.  She’s totally going to call me on starting to see her when I knew I might be leaving soon.  I know I shouldn’t have, but she’s so hot!)

PGF:  Oh.  Man, that sucks.

RHG:  I know this isn’t fair on you, but I really like you.  I didn’t know if you wanted to maybe try something long distance?  (Please, please, please?  I swear I’ll make it work.  I definitely won’t start flirting with my cute colleague and thinking about what she’d look like without her clothes)

PGF:  Long distance?  Like, talk during the week and see each other on weekends?

RHG:  Um, actually, it would be more like talk on the phone and see each other maybe once a month.  (Thinks:  I’d really like to make out with her right now.)

PGF:  Once a month?

RHG:  Yeah, I’m pretty sure I could swing once a month.  (Thinks:  Liar.)

PGF:  You’re pretty sure about maybe once a month?

RHG:  And we could talk online or on the phone all the time.  I’m not sure what hours I’ll be working, probably pretty crazy at first, but you keep your phone with you all the time, right? (Thinks:  Am I seriously asking her to wait by the phone for me and I’ll just call whenever?  I’m such a jerk.  God, she’s got great [censored])

PGF:  Yeah…

RHG:  And you could come and stay with me every so often.  Just take a week every couple of months or something.  (Thinks:  Yeah, because she doesn’t have a job and a life or anything.  She’s never going to go for this.)

PGF:  Maybe.

RHG:  So what do you think?  (Thinks:  Come on, come on, I know long distance never really works and we’re just starting out anyway, but I really like you!)

PGF:   I just don’t think long distance ever really works, even when you haven’t just started dating.

RHG:  Yeah, I know, I just thought I’d ask.  (Thinks:  D*mmit!)

PGF:  But we can still talk on the phone and online.  You know, as friends.

RHG:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.  (Friends is so not what I was going for with her.)

PGF:  Why not?

RHG:  Because I want to do things with you that I don’t want to do with my friends.  (Thinks: A lot of which I’m not going to admit to.)

PGF:  Oh, that’s just not fair.

RHG:  Yeah, I know.  Sometimes life sucks.  (Thinks:  How much do I really want that job?)

PGF:  Yeah.

Yeah.  Sometimes life sucks.  But hey, at least I got a post out of it.  New year’s resolution:  find another guy who thinks it’s adorable when I wear two different shoes at the same time.  Bets on how long that’s going to take?

Little blind girl goes to the art gallery

CC Image courtesy of iambents on Flickr

Remember that post where I said that if you’re taking me on a date, don’t take me to an art gallery because I’m legally blind and I won’t be able to see anything?  I take it back.  I went with Potential Boy Friend to a college art exhibit and found that art has changed quite a bit even since the last time I attempted to appreciate it, or at least I think it has:

 

LBG:  I’m really not sure about this.  I can’t see any of the paintings.

PBF:  That’s OK, I’ll describe them to you.  And some of them aren’t paintings.

LBG:  Photographs?

PBF:  Modern art exhibits.  There’s one that’s a collage of old heating bills in the shape of Paris Hilton.  It’s titled, “That’s Hot!”

LBG:  Very funny!  You are kidding, right?

PBF:  All the yellow highlighted bits that say “This bill is overdue” form her hair extensions.  There’s another that’s just an empty frame, entitled “Occupy This Space.”

LBG:  That I might actually believe.

PBF:  It’s listed for $7500.00.

LBG:  Not buying it in so many ways.

PBF:  Over here is a portrait of a young man in cap and gown who appears to be signing a student loan contract, while a man in a business suit stands over him holding a baby.  Let’s see what the title is–

LBG:  This should be good–

PBF:  Ah, Sale of a First-Born Child.  A striking commentary on a post-modern society.

LBG:  It speaks to me.

PBF:  And here we have a sculpture of a woman in a pose of agony, clutching a large group of children to her while staring at an envelope.

LBG:  Let me guess:  ”Final Welfare Check”?

PBF:  Close:  ”Niobe’s Child Care Bill Arrives.”

LBG:  I like mine better.  (Peers more closely at card with title of work)  Oh, my God!

PBF:  You totally thought I was making that up.

LBG:  Oh, my God.

PBF:  And I haven’t even told you about the woman sitting in a harness hanging from the ceiling.

LBG:  Don’t tell me.

PBF:  Her harness rises and falls with the current level of the stock market.

LBG:  Oh, my God, get me out of here!

And thus ends the latest installment in the adventures of the Little Blind Girl.  Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, Little Blind Girl goes to the Firing Range!

The results of fashion hubris

CC Image courtesy of Thomas Hawk on Flickr

This is what happens when blind girls try to be cool:

I recently went on a second date with a guy, my first second date in quite a while.  He’s tall, and I picture him as dark and handsome, and he has a great voice, so all is well thus far.  He asked where I wanted to go, and I said “Anywhere where I can wear flats,” so he took me to a meditation seminar.  Promisinger and promisinger.  Then, after the meditation seminar, we went out for extremely unhealthy food and mocked the seminar presenter mercilessly.  Could it get any better?  Yes, yes it could.

He dropped me off–at my door, after leading me up the steps because he knows I’m legally blind (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I walk those steps every day of my life and could walk them if I were completely blind).  It wasn’t until then, at the end of the date, that I realized that I was actually wearing two different kinds of shoes!  And I’d been going on and on about what a relief it was to wear flats!  All afternoon!  I tempted the wrath of the fashion gods with my hubristic desire for comfort, and this was the result.

I exclaimed in dismay.  He, bless him, laughed and said…well, on second thought, I’m not going to tell you what he said.  Or what he did, because this isn’t that kind of blog.  But it made up for the blind equivalent of realizing I had spinach on my teeth all evening.  And there will be a third date because, let me tell you, he’s looking very good to me right now.

Blind dating

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been going on a long string of first dates recently, and I’ve noticed that there are a lot of dating pitfalls for the blind.  First of all, the obvious:  whenever I tell people I have a date, they ask “Is this a blind date” and snicker.  Cause, you know, I’ve never heard that one before, ever.

But if that were all, I’d take it and be grateful.  The bigger problems come before the date even starts.  Imagine trying to curl your hair blind.  Go ahead, blindfold yourself and try.  I usually end up throwing the curling iron across the room and screaming “I’m shaving my head, I swear to God!”  Then, of course, there’s the makeup application.  I’m good at foundation, blush, powder, and lip color.  It’s the eyes that get me.  There’s the eyeliner–no way am I ever going to get a straight line right by my lashes.  It will always be crooked and leave space between my lashes and the eyeliner.  Mascara, you ask?  It is for to laugh.  I usually just put on some dark eyeshadow and hope he doesn’t notice.

Then there’s the beginning of the date.  Either the guy picks me up in my parking lot or I meet him wherever we’re having our date.  Either way, I’ll be squinting and peering around, trying to recognize my date, and that posture is just so attractive!  Gotta love that first impression, a bleary-eyed hunchback.  It does accentuate the cleavage, though.  Then, since most first dates involve dinner, we reach the adventures in silverware.  Fork, knife, spoon, and no depth perception.  Fabulous!  The napkin is my friend.  I usually have to ask for extra napkins, actually, which makes me feel super-smooth.  I like this part of the date, though, because I get to sit down.  It’s hard, though not impossible, to bump into things while you’re sitting down.  My dates always laugh when I tell them that if I’m about to walk into a streetlamp, they shouldn’t assume I’m aware of it.  That Chris, she’s so funny!  Oh, my God, who knew a head wound could bleed so much?

If any guy who is preparing for a date with me is reading this, please do the following, and I will guarantee a second date:  1.  Ask me to wear flats.  2.  Warn me when there’s a step up or down.  3.  Don’t, for the love of God, take me to an art gallery.  For Christ’s sake, I’m blind!  4.  Talk to me.  I can’t see a thing, but I’m a world-class listener.  How often does that come around?  Not too much to ask, I think.  Oh, and try not to laugh too loudly when I accidentally spill the mushrooms.  It’s endearing, right?