I swear to you…

Vector drawing based on Image:Profanity.JPG English: swearing in cartoon Suomi: Kiroileva sarjakuvahahmo Nederlands: Schelden en vloeken in strips 粵語: 粗口 中文: 罵髒話 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of you who read my blog have never heard me swear.  I’m a little sad about this, because I do it really well.  By all accounts, I was born with a pronounced talent in that area, and I’ve honed that talent through many years of frustration, exasperation, and inappropriate overreaction.  I can manage to swear in just about any context, though I try to keep it to a minimum during funerals.

For instance, I walked into the office the other day and, before I’d even taken off my coat and hung up my purse, I realized I’d forgotten to do something before I left home and let out a heartfelt “M@#*f%*#!”  My officemate looked at me and said, “Really?  That’s how you’re going to start the day?”  I hung up my coat and purse and said, “You’re g@#d%*n right!”  Without any warm-up at all.  It was impressive.

I’ve been considering this for a while, and I’ve come to an important decision:  I’ve decided to turn pro.  Agents have been contacting me for a while with offers, and a number of sponsors have expressed interest.  I’ve turned down several offers from HBO, though I was tempted.  I just didn’t feel that I was ready yet.  But now I think I’ve got my swearing to such a high level of consistency that I believe I’m ready for the spotlight.  I feel good about this.

It’s been a long time coming.  I’ve been competing in the amateur leagues since I was a teenager.  In college, my profanity during the exam period reached legendary heights.  They still tell stories about me to this day.  My thesis on The Evolution of Expletives in Anglo-Saxon Literature has become the leading work in its field.  Once I hit the workforce, the sheer complexity of my obscenity blew away the competition.  Office meetings, conferences, late night projects; I cursed them all.

It’s time, I think.  I wanted to share with all of you this important decision in my life.  When you’re watching me at the Swearing and Hateful Imprecations Tournament, I want you all to know that your support is a big part of what has brought me this far.  See you in the winner’s circle!  You may want to bring your earplugs.  I’m just that good.

Counting the minutes

Image via Wikipedia

Why no one asks the Little Blind Girl to take minutes anymore:

Minutes for 764th meeting of Pointless Organizational Subcommittee:

Meeting called to order at 8:27 by chairman U.C., running ten minutes late as usual and then spending another seventeen minutes detailing the ongoing saga of his children’s college admissions attempts.  Had he stayed home and helped them study instead of chairing five different subcommittees, those attempts might be more successful.  Chairman covers this fact by extolling the virtues of starting out at community college.  Polite agreement all around, followed by vicious whispers to the contrary the moment the chairman’s back is turned.

Old Business:  Treasurer B.S. called uncomfortable attention to the fact that our account balance is currently in the negative due to over half the members neglecting to remit the funds collected by the recent fundraiser.  23-minute debate ensued on whether the last fundraiser was the bake sale or the pizza dough catalog (it was neither).  Debate ended when A.L. accused G.C. of buying baked goods at the store and passing them off at the bake sale as homemade (true), to which G.C. responded by saying that she was not going to listen to that from someone wearing polyester capris with ankle socks (sadly, also true).  Topic tabled until criminal charges from resulting fistfight are concluded.

Image via Wikipedia

New Business:  New member L.T. suggested a team-building activity, mentioning a local paintball facility offering packages and group rates.  While entertained by the mental image of fellow subcommittee members decked out in camo gear and shooting at each other while hiding behind trees and shouting things like “Community Outreach will never surrender!”, the writer felt obligated to remind the other members that the lawsuit that had resulted from the last team-building exercise has not yet been resolved and that any future such activity may imperil the ongoing and very delicate negotiations with the victim’s family.  Sullen looks and murmurs of “couldn’t have been expected to know the harness would break” (false) and “never liked him anyway” (true, but not helpful) could be heard.  Topic tabled on advice of counsel.

Sub-Subcommittee on Holiday Activities asked for a vote on official theme for Generic All-Inclusive Non-Denominational Holiday Party.  Choices were debated and vote was taken by ballot, with the following results:

1.  Happy Various-Excuses-For-Presents Season!            37% of vote

2.  It’s Too Cold For A Party, So Let’s Just Drink                26% of vote

3.  My Quasi-Religious Holiday Figure Has A Better Costume Than Yours            19%

4.  Please Excuse My Colleagues, They Can’t Help Being Offensive                     16%

Business was deemed concluded when the chairman began retelling the story of his son’s visit to State College, at which he’s planning on majoring in Putting Off The Job Search.  Apparently, State College offers a doctoral degree in the subject.  The meeting adjourned at 9:34, slightly earlier than anticipated, at which point P.D. left the meeting room only to discover his wife, H.D., in the coat closet with B.S.’s husband.  This writer could have warned him about that a long time ago, but really, where’s the fun in that?

I refuse to go to boring meetings.  It’s just not worth it unless someone sheds some blood.  Not that I instigate any of it.  I think I captured the essential business of the meeting, don’t you?  Don’t you want me to take minutes of your meetings?

Donate a Mirror to a Celebrity

There are all manner of appalling, heartrending tragedies all around the globe.  Here at iliketheworldfuzzy, we’re highlighting the sadly-neglected plight of celebrities without mirrors.  Throughout the year, but especially now during awards season, it is painfully obvious that many celebrities do not have that basic staple so many of us take for granted:  a mirror.  It is also clear that many do not have true friends who will tell them when they look completely ridiculous or when an outfit or hairstyle simply does not suit them, but there are some problems even the Little Blind Girl can’t fix.  So we’re taking up a collection to bring relief to the needy celebrities who appear to have no idea what they look like when they step outside the door and fall prey to the ruthless paparazzi.

These poor celebrities have no points of reference when attempting to apply the always-tricky smoky eye makeup technique.  They have no idea that the floral pants craze currently circulating among those with more money than sense looks absolutely horrendous and that such prints should stay on the bedsheets in the spare room where they belong.  Even the obscenely good-looking are not exempt.  Oh, Jessica Alba, beloved of this blog, had you no reflective surface before you got dressed in the morning?  Were you so distracted by your rugrats that you forgot to check your reflection before you left the house?    Or are you one of the many unfortunates deprived of that basic celebrity necessity?  Look at those pants!  We are in a state of emergency.  The need for mirrors among celebrities is dire, and the problem is only getting worse.

We can’t hope to fix the problem overnight, but we can give what we’ve got to help stem the tide of fashion and beauty disasters currently flooding the streets of Hollywood.  There are those whose bangs more resemble a crew cut than a soft fringe.  There are those who look at us innocently from behind raccoon eyes of excessive eyeshadow and mascara, unaware of their hideous plight.  How can we turn our backs on these suffering idols?  Take out your checkbooks, dig through your attics for old mirrors, and give back to those who have given us so much.  Give a celebrity a mirror, and help make the world (as represented by that cultural mecca, Los Angeles) a better place.  We here at iliketheworldfuzzy thank you, and with your help, we will put a mirror in the home of every celebrity.  Never stop trying, and keep on seeing the world fuzzy!

 

When world leaders fall out

Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  As has been widely reported, President Obama and President Sarkozy of France had the following exchange regarding Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu without realizing they were still audible to reporters:

President Sarkozy:  I cannot bear Netanyahu, he’s a liar

President Obama:  You’re fed up with him, but I have to deal with him even more often than you!

I can just imagine the rest of the conversation, tactfully omitted by the french translators:

President Sarkozy:  Oh, I know!  You guys were, like, so tight, and then he totally went behind your back to UNESCO for Palestine.

President Obama:  Yeah, and I happen to know that Netanyahu had de-friended Palestine on Facebook and was all, no way, Obama, you and me are BFFs.  And now this?

President Sarkozy:  I know, right?  Cause he knows that you and me are full-on besties and always will be.  I bet he even texts Ahmadinejad and just doesn’t want you to know.

President Obama:  He’s all about being ‘the Peacemaker’, dude, he’s even posting status updates like “The Peacemaker does it again!” and “The Peacemaker at Euro-Disney.”  I mean, seriously?  Ain’t no peacemaker I know wears mouse ears.

President Sarkozy:  Whatever!  Everyone knows you’re the Peacemaker.  You can whip out the Nobel sh*t on his *ss.

President Obama:  You know, right?  I already got a peace prize, f*cker!  How do you like that, Benny?

I don’t know why they turned so foul at the end of it.  Maybe the teacher caught them passing notes.  I don’t know.  Am I the only one who thought they sounded like high school students?